Through the Head
by Elyang
Summary: Yuna's life has been turned upside down. And there's only one way to fix it. One-shot. Suicide. Character death. Swearing. Angsty. Be warned.


**AN:** Set after the normal ending where you DON'T find Tidus.

Waarnings: Swearing, suicide, character death, angsty, non-Disney stuff. Obviously not for little kiddie-widdies.

**Through the Head**

Yuna opened the door to her room, strode over to the table, making sure to close the door behind her first, took her pistols from their fastenings and placed them there. She ran both hands through her hair, raising her head up and deeply inhaled the sweet odor that hung in the air. The smell, which no doubt came from something that Rikku had placed just for her somewhere in the room.

She fell back into the cushioned chair set behind her and next to the table. She inhaled once more.

Apples.

Candies.

Roses.

All of Rikku's favorite things placed just for Yuna, right inside her small private house in Bevelle.

Yuna cracked one of her eyes opened and gazed around the comfortable room, a flower vase in the center of the small reading table beside her, a framed photograph of Yuna, Rikku, and Paine on the wall which was slightly tilted to one side giving it a messy look. She heard a machina buzzing somewhere, and was sure that it was Rikku who was responsible for whatever machina thing made that soft buzzing noise.

But then again, Yuna should be thankful, because if it wasn't for Rikku, her small house would be completely empty, with the exception of the bed and toiletries.

She closed her half-opened eye again; her left arm was propped on the armrest and her hand on the side of her head, giving her a weary look.

Yuna herself had no idea why she felt so tired. She hadn't been sphere hunting, fiend fighting, or running around Spira these past few days…or was it months? Actually, she hadn't been doing much of anything. When she **did** do those things, she seemed to have no taste for much of the action, she just dragged herself along, and forcing herself to do what was to be done. She used to love exerting herself in such ways, never missing any of the action, usually even biting of more than she could chew, but still loving it anyway. Now, it all just seemed like a chore to her. There was no fun or any fulfillment in what she did.

She was one hundred percent sure that even Rikku and Paine had noticed that, and as usual, their answer was to give her some time alone.

Unfortunately, being alone didn't help her as much as it did before. When she was alone, she usually took time to reflect, think on the future and what's ahead. What could make things better for everyone?

Now, she just sat in one place, her mind empty, thinking of nothing, back slouched and head turned to one side, staring into space. Then, after at least an hour she would realize that all this trying to think and reflect had amounted to nothing. She couldn't fix herself. Funny, she could fix all of Spira's problems, all of Spira's diseases and sadness, yet she couldn't even mend her own.

Yuna'd like to think that this was all because of her **failure** some years ago, when she failed on looking for Tidus, when she grew **tired** of looking for Tidus. She guessed it was just one day when she was staring into Shinra's computer screen, a voice came into her mind, hissing, whispering, spitting the words out, _It's all in vain. _

Then her eyes became two wide circles, as big as donut holes, 'I'll never find you. Why has it taken me this long to realize that?'

She went to bed, forlorn and broken, without a single shard of hope left. That was her reason for going on each day, the reason why she woke up every morning feeling eager for the day ahead, the **one** thing that she had been chasing all her life. All of this to finding out one day that _it was all in vain._

But even if this was so, she found herself doing the same thing over and over again each day, even if she knew it was all in vain. Outside nothing changed, she gave the same smile, the same hope that other people sucked out of her like parasites. Yet, inside she was hollow. It was like an empty black space where all words echoed and bounced back to you.

Everyday people young and old came to her. Some praising her work and achievements, asking how things were going with this and that, how is so and so, did things go out as planned? All of these questions were based upon the things around her, never on Yuna herself. The questions were never, how are things with **you**, how are **you** doing, is **your **life going well? If people did ask one of those questions, even once, she was sure that she would have exploded.

Me? I'm doing shittily, I feel like my life is sliding downhill. All that I've ever lived for has no meaning. And here I am talking to **you**. I don't even give a flying fuck about your wants or needs or your fucking new house. _I don't even want to speak with you_. Hope? You would like me to tell you about hope and how to go on with your problems and fucked up life? Here's some advice. I have a gun here, I'd do it myself but I'm a big pussy. Take a bullet right through your head and all your problems will be solved. If I had the balls, I'd have done it ages ago. But I can't, I'm physically missing the essential organs to summon the courage. Now would you like to ask me about how my dog's doing?

She could have said all that, but to her dismay, no living soul has asked her how **she** was doing.

Yuna used her index finger to push the flower vase over. The water came pouring out of the vase slowly, spilling over the pistols on the table, and the flower didn't fall out but came to rest on one of the guns. She thought that the image would make a great photograph.

Yuna's lazy eyes took in the sight if the gun hungrily, tracing the outlines with her eyes, staring into the black abyss of the gun barrel.

So many thoughts ran through her head.

They ran through her head.

Ran through her head.

Through her head.

Through her head.

She could imagine the bullet going through her head.

Through her head.

Rikku would be sad wouldn't she? She dedicated her young, teenage life on saving Yuna's. When she came out of the journey she was a clean child no more, she was soiled with death and the murder of her people. She did all this for Yuna, didn't she? But Yuna didn't ask. She was ready to die. Rikku wanted to save Yuna to spare herself from feeling the grief of losing someone. But what if Yuna **wanted **to die? Aha. Touché. Yuna's happiness was Rikku's. Keeping Yuna alive and in pain was selfishness on Rikku's part wasn't it? Rikku would live a happy life while Yuna's ate slowly away at her pain.

And Paine…Yuna knew Paine harbored a great respect for her. She was sure there was more to their relationship, but Yuna was weary of all relationships. She knew Paine would move on, and if there was more to know about her then Yuna would never find out.

None of these thoughts comforted her, none made her feel any better about what she was thinking, or about what she was thinking about doing. But all the thoughts would stop running through her mind soon, right? Wasn't that all that mattered right now?

Yuna reached for one of the pistols with a surprisingly steady and calm hand. The handle was wet and a petal was crushed into her palm. She inhaled.

Apples.

Candies.

Roses.

All of Rikku's favorite things.

Paine, you were the best mystery I ever had the pleasure of solving.

She looked at the crooked picture on the wall. YRP forever.

She heard the still night outside and the soft buzzing of the machina.

She raised the gun to her head. No one would find her in a long time. She had clearly told everyone, clearly and sweetly stated that she wanted to be let alone. She needed to be alone.

She didn't know where she would be.

But she was sure she didn't want to be here any longer.

She didn't know if she would be with her father, or Tidus. She truly didn't care anymore.

Soon all these thoughts that run through her head would cease.

Now only one question ran through her mind.

Where would she be tomorrow?

She held a firm grip. The cold metal was placed on top of her ear just a few centimeters apart.

Click.

Boom.

* * *

It wasn't raining. It wasn't sunny. It wasn't gloomy. No one could quiet place what that particular day was like. All of Spira seemed to be gathered in the Calm Lands.

Cries, sobs, and wails were heard everywhere. Some people were hitting the ground, some were crying so badly that they didn't care to wipe their tears, saliva, or phlem that trickled down their noses.

All people were here to witness the high summoner's burial. Yuna, the high summoner of Spira, Giver of Light and Hope in the Midst of Darkness and Death, Saviour of All Spira.

So many words were spoken. So many people came. Paine surveyed the scene from a place high up so no on could see her. Tears trickled freely down her cheeks as well, one of the reasons why she wasn't down there. She didn't want people to see her cry. How stupid, one of Spira's greatest heroes, and one of her greatest friends had just died. And here she was, afraid of letting somebody witness the show of human emotion.

It was plain crazy.

They found Yuna's body weeks after she had killed herself. No one knew because she had clearly and sweetly stated that she wanted to be alone. And they respected that. Only when they thought it had been too long when they visited her. What a surprise to find Yuna's body becoming a decaying mass with her brains blown out.

How could this have happened? Paine thought bitterly.

How?

The person who was filled with hope and faith and all that _crap_ killed herself.

How?

Paine saw the coffin finally being lowered into the ground. Right in the middle of the Calm Lands. In the hope of even after death, the Lady Yuna would somehow spread her hope throughout Spira.

What hope was that? Yuna killed herself, didn't she?

What could have been going through her head when that bullet went through her head?

What could have been going through her head?

_**End**_

* * *

**AN:** Well, don't get me wrong. I DO very much like Yuna, even if I did kill her off in the fic…

Just wanted to see what would happen if we strayed away from the happy-go-lucky, full of hope and smiles girl.

Try to make her life seem meaningless and stuff….

**CONSTRUCTIVE** criticism is welcome. Pointless flames will be ignored.

Hope you all enjoyed in some depressing, morbid way…


End file.
